The February Non-News

Super-secret Post
Written mid- and end-of-February

February is filled with ugly and nothing to show for it.

Mid-February, I realize my optimism had taken a hit when I found myself planning ahead around March’s most-fertile days (to make sure another trip wasn’t going to hurt our chances again, since one in February fell smack dab on the worst days after January’s fake-out pushed those days forward into the weekend). As soon as the most likely February days were over I had already assumed failure. Ouch.

Then, about 4 days before my expected period I’m on a rage at work. Like the worst low-blood-sugar attack combined with PMS. I’m trying to figure out what’s causing it since I ate an hour ago and I usually don’t rage until the first day my period starts. That’s when I start to wonder if it’s a pregnancy symptom. Feb 17, 2012 – the day I officially lost my mind worrying about this goddamn thing.

My body is totally trolling me when I get another false start in February. I’ve never had cycles this irregular before.

But now it’s a no. And I’m scared because every month now is one fewer month on the other end. For them to know my parents and even us. Yes, it’s morbid. That’s what happens when your parents have you really young and you still lose all your grandparents before you turn 20.

Every month is also another month I have to keep working at a career I would overhaul if I knew for sure I could fit in another round of school before kids came along. And of course work is completely unbearable when I’m PMSing, adding irony insult to injury, so it’s extremely depressing to realize I have another month of this.

With all this wasted time, it’s so frustrating to wait so long to find out if something is wrong. What if there is something wrong, and then we’re a year older before we find out, so things are that much harder?

(For the uninitiated, people as young as us are supposed to try for a year before we look into medical reasons/interventions. I remember telling people in our shoes “Just a year; keep trying for a year” and it sounded so easy to me. It also sounded fun. Hahahahaha…)

I shouldn’t be so worried in another month with a business trip in the middle of it. Next month looks better for our availability. Talk about the most depressing thing to feel like you have to schedule.

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