Trying Not-Trying

Super-Secret Post
Originally written at the beginning of Month 6 (Mid-March)

I spent a lot of time regrouping after my “take charge” plan failed so flat last round and decided to try the “not trying” thing. Ridiculous, right? I know it’s not supposed to be a strategy, sort of, you know, by definition, but I’ll take a swing at it anyway.

In my case it means not inputting my cycle data at the end of Month 5 to my app and not letting myself count any days from anything (and basically not looking at a calendar). As long as I can avoid thinking about that pink elephant I can maybe be ignorant enough of my cycle to not let timing factor in to my sex life. And they’ll definitely not be any “every x days / these particular days” mentality.

But I can’t get the goal of pregnancy out of my mind and I can’t purposefully delay it. It has to happen before the rest of my life can happen, and it has to happen to get me out of a job that’s eating my soul. To say I feel some pressure is laughably understating it.

The good news is that surprisingly enough it is possible to go back to recreational sex. In the midst of pressure for high frequency, I had my doubts. Being proved wrong explains the part of the “we stopped trying and then got pregnant” story that I found hard to believe — I guess that outcome does not rely on immaculate conception after all. (The phrase always bothered me since I defined “having sex without really excellent birth control” as “trying.”)

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